Mulligan

I know absolutely nothing about golf and I must admit that I am more than a little but stumped at the whole concept of golf.  What is golf anyway?  Is it a game?  Is it a sport?  Or is it just an excuse to spend an afternoon with friends having a few laughs and a few drinks in a beautiful, outdoor setting?  Isn’t hiking just as good and if so, why should I chase this little white ball around trying to put it into this tiny hole in the ground while enjoying the outdoors?  But I jest…

I have ‘mini-golfed’ (you try hitting that itty bitty ball between the windmill sails).  I have ‘hit balls’ at the driving range in an attempt to impress a date.. this went terribly however as I swing a golf club much like a baseball bat I was told – ok so he should have taken me to the batting cage instead.  Who knew you had to grip a golf club and swing it a certain way?  Certainly not me.  Give me a bat and I’ll knock that (larger) ball out of the park!  In any event, I don’t think either of those things count as ‘playing golf’. 

I’ve hardly ever been on a course, I have no idea why golfers yell “fore”, I can’t hold a club correctly and well, hell, the only clubs I know about are on my playing cards.  In fact, the closest I’ve ever come to golfing was probably on that driving range, aiming the ball as best I could at the ball collectors.  (Hey, just because they’re in a covered cart doesn’t eliminate them as a viable target does it?)  Needless to say, I don’t golf.  I do however, know what a ‘mulligan’ is. 

I know what a mulligan is because years ago I dated a golfer and the term ‘mulligan’ stuck with me.  Prior to dating him, I’d never heard the term.  He attempted to explain to me the rules of golf and I went with him and his friends on several occasions to see for myself what the game (or sport?) was all about.  The only thing I retained was the term ‘Mulligan’ (perhaps because in my futile attempts to play, I needed so many of them).  In it’s simplest terms, a mulligan is a “do-over”.  If you hit a bad shot and it was agreed by all parties in the group, you could “take a mulligan” and replay the stroke.  As I understand it, this has to be agreed upon before the start of the round of golf however, and there is usually only one mulligan allowed per player – at least that’s how they used to play.  Technically speaking, a mulligan is not legal in the official rules of golf, and is most often employed during friendly rounds by golf buddies; or during charity tournaments.

Too bad life doesn’t offer mulligans.

When I was young and I didn’t know what a mulligan was, I remember how myself and groups of friends outside playing games would settle arguments:  After much arguing, someone would eventually yell “do-over!” and the controversial out, or the player who may have been tagged, got to ‘do it over’ - the game moved on. We gave and got ‘a mulligan’ at will.  As an adult, that seems astoundingly diplomatic.  Yet as a child, this sort of thing happened over and over without too much thought.  It seemed fair.  So what happened and when did it happen, that as we all got older, the do-over suddenly disappeared?  Why can’t we, as adults, apply the same logic – necessary, diplomatic, fair, fun, complimentary logic – to our lives?

Someone recently asked me if I would write about this particular subject and I replied that I had already.  Then I went back and looked at what I had written years ago about “If I had it to do all over again” and “what would I change”.  What I had written then was quite different from what I think and how I feel now.  Why?  Because, things change. 

To be sure, not everything has changed and there are still many things I’ve said and done that I wish I could take back or do over.  As I have written previously: “We spend our lives working on ourselves, healing, changing, growing and becoming more enlightened..”  While I still believe this holds true, how often do we hear phrases such as these:  “what if?”, “If I only knew then what I know now…” or “I wish I hadn’t/had..”  These phrases, this type of thinking, has given way to and has been the subject of, endless science fiction works.  Outside the realm of fiction however, I don’t think it’s possible to go back in time and change past events, so why do we ask ourselves these questions so much?  Why do we give so much weight to these things?  Is it because we refuse to put the past behind us?  Do we dwell too much on what happened and what could have been? 

Let’s think about this for a minute:  For example, we have an argument/disagreement, lose our cool and speak those unforgiveable words.  The next day, week or month, we apologize and we are friends again.  Perhaps we don’t apologize, but over time things are simply let go and forgotten.  Here’s the thing:  we don’t ever really forget do we?  Regardless of who the other person was on the receiving end of those unforgivable words is, and whether or not they forgive us, we ourselves still remain horrified by the degree of our own insensitivity and agonize over the distance our words have placed between ourselves and whomever the words were spoken to.  If we are the recipient of those unforgivable words, although we may forgive we never really forget - do we?

Perhaps the anguish and distress those words caused make us realize how sensitive we truly are to each other; how much we desire the closeness of the ones we love and care for; how much we want to be accepted and fit in.  There is usually what innately happened or the truth to a matter and then there is the perception that we create in our mind about what happened. Any realization of what really happened in the past compared to how we have always perceived it instantly changed the past for us.  Therefore, from that point up to the moment, everything self-adjusts according to the changed perception, does it not? If the reality of something that happened in the past could actually be changed, we wouldn’t really have any conscious recollection of it anyway now would we?

Some things change and some things don’t.  As “enlightened, changed, grown and healed” (quoting myself) as I’d like to think I am, I know that, speaking solely for myself, there still are many things I would change if I could.  I fancy myself a writer, albeit amateur, (insert laughter here – I did say ‘fancy’ ;).  I am not a conversationalist.   More often than not, what’s in my head usually pops right out of my mouth.   When I write, I get to put all the things rummaging around in there into some sort of order and I get to think before I proverbially speak, hence what I really want to say or convey comes through.  In the heat of the moment, the conversation, I’m stuck.  I’m either a babbling idiot because I don’t have enough time to organize my thoughts, or I feel so passionately about something that every thought in my head comes flowing out of my mouth.  Can I have my ‘mulligan’ now?  I guess that depends on who the current players are in this round of golf…

The Unsung Spouse Equivalant Award goes to,..

Yesterday morning I went to make a cup of coffee and the K-cup was already sitting in front of the Keurig machine waiting for me – along with my creamer I might add.  As a matter of fact, I had zero time last week to even buy K-cups (the kind I like anyway, not his kind which would do in a ‘coffee emergency pinch’) and yet, before I ran out, there was a brand new box.

I am not a morning person and cannot function without my coffee first, most times even before the dog gets let out or fed - coffee is very important to me.  Usually, I am up and about before he is and it’s rare that I am not.  Most mornings I stumble into the kitchen, trying to avoid being knocked over by the dog in his haste to show me whatever toy he has in his mouth while begging to be let out, rummage through the cabinet for a k-cup, schlep to the refrigerator for my creamer and anxiously await the aroma of that wonderful brew.  However, yesterday morning, all I had to do was lift the cover and press the button. Aaahhh..

He thinks I don’t notice these little things – but I do.  I notice all the other little things too and I got to thinking, there should be an ‘Unsung Spouse Equivalent  Award’…

Unlike the Oscars or the Emmy’s, these unique awards aren't given to the gifted and the beautiful actors/actresses on television or movie screens before huge audiences of people.  Instead, only the winners’ spouse equivalent and God witness the Unsung Spouse Equivalent Awards, which celebrate the unnoticed and unappreciated heroes and heroines of relationships.  Quick, somebody cue the music and the rainbow laser lights as we applaud and high-five this year’s champion.  This award is given in honor of such “little things” which include:

The man who combed through the box of “trash” his girlfriend was going to throw out and found the cover to the exhaust fan (along with several electrical outlet boxes, plugs and switches that couldn’t be found).

The man who sent the “you look very sexy tonight” text even though we were at the same club two weeks ago, who sent the picture of the dog with the caption “we miss you” and strung the rope lights around the gazebo while his girlfriend wasn’t home and sent that picture via text as well.

The man who brought dinner home, lit candles, built her a fire, mixed her a drink, opened the hot tub and stayed home with her because she was too emotionally exhausted to go out last Saturday night.

The man who puts the toilet seat DOWN and makes the bed every morning.  Always.

The man who warmed up his girlfriend’s truck all winter on every cold morning we woke up together.

The man who found a shelf for over the stove in the kitchen because it had been mentioned once that his girlfriend would really like a shelf there.

The man whose girlfriend sometimes believes her truck can run on gasoline fumes. He fills her tank and reminds her to charge her cell phone battery so hatchet murderers won't find her stranded along the highway at 11 PM after she’s gone out with her girlfriends.  (And he calls to make sure she is home safe.)

The man whose girlfriend is constantly ‘running late’…  He sits patiently and without comment as she finishes getting ready and/or getting things together.

The man who’s ‘stuff’ is always fair game. Everything from the tee-shirts and sweatshirts to the hard core items like the sawzall, skill saw and screw gun.

Unfortunately, there is no ‘trophy’, no plastic gold spray painted little figure holding up anything, no plaque with blue or gold edges around it.  There is only his knowledge that these things are noticed and appreciated by his girlfriend.

Paying It Forward

Yesterday we received a call at the shop.  Your standard call mind you, there was nothing that stood out or was different about it.  A motorist was on the side of the road, just down the street in town, trying to fix his wheel which was quite literally falling off his vehicle.

I took down the information and gave it to my fiancé who then got on the line with the gentleman.   He got in the tow truck and drove up to meet him.  Just another day, just another call.

My fiancé returned to the shop about forty minutes later. When I saw his face, I already knew (after six years, I can read him that way most times).  He explained to me that the motorist was missing lug nuts from the tire and one of the two remaining was stripped – in other words, it was useless.  The motorist explained to him that he really needed to get home and wasn’t sure what to do at this point.  It was late in the day and after several calls, it was impossible to get the lug nuts necessary to repair the vehicle properly “at that moment”.  

Being a bit “MacGyver”ish, (I’ve written about this before); my fiancé took one lug nut off each of the other wheels and put them on the wheel that was falling off.  He explained to the motorist this was not a long term or even technically ‘safe’ situation however, as long as he wasn’t going too far and drove slowly, he should make it home.  He advised him to call his garage the next day and schedule to have the lug nuts ordered and put on.

Job done, motorist on the road, yep just another day.  He asked what he owed for the road service.  In typical fashion, my fiancé told him he owed him nothing. “Do something nice for someone else today”.  That’s my man.  I wouldn’t want him any other way…

An old tattered photograph

I sat across the table looking at a man I don’t know.  I am studying him, his face, his hands, his mannerisms.  His eyes.  I supposed in my mind many times they were a cobolt blue or perhaps a shade of hazel but they are not.  They are brown. Like mine.  I search those eyes for a lot of things.. fear? Hope? Pain/hardship?  Is there any sincerity in there?   I’ve heard the eyes are the windows to the soul so I continue to look…

He has an ever so slight crack in his voice every now and again as he speaks to me and he fidgets like a school boy.  Ah, but I am no school girl and I won’t be captivated by boyish charms besides, this is a man across the table, not a boy.

He has a rugged, worldly look to him (or maybe it’s my imagination because that is what I want to see?)  Even at sixty-three and knowing what I know (or at least what I’ve heard anyway) the years have been kind to his outward appearance.  He is handsome.  His hair is brown.  Again, like mine.  I dye mine of course so he wouldn’t know what color it really is anyway and I’m not about to divulge this information or any other information for that matter.. just yet anyway.   He has a beard and a mustache and I see traces of gray hair in there.  Back to the eyes…

The waitress has brought us drinks and we browse the menu.  He announces he will probably get an antipasto salad.  I have been to this restaurant before, many, many times especially when I worked in this area, with my co workers.  I always ordered the antipasto.  Nine times out of ten visits, I ordered the antipasto.  I make no mention of this but agree that an antipasto sounds good and we decide to split a larger one with a side order of garlic bread.

I’ve met this man before.  I’ve known him,  to the extent any child can, before.  Most of what I recall isn’t good and I’m determined this time, this LAST time, to push that all aside and see for myself who this man is now because for me, it’s now that matters.  For now.

I look at his hands. They are on the table.  They are not especially big or thick hands but they suit him.  They are neatly folded together, fingers entwined into each other except when he reaches for his drink (a cranberry and soda water but that’s another story for another time).  It appears as though there may be some arthritis in them, they are ‘crooked’ to an extent.  They do not stand out but rather in an odd sort of way, blend in to the red and white checkered table cloth.  One of the fingers also seems to have been broken at one time.  There is a ring on his left finger but it is not a wedding band.  It looks from my side of the table to be perhaps a high school ring? I don’t ask.  His nails are clean and trim.  These are not working hands, they have not done a lot of physical labor and there are no calluses.  Back to the eyes…

Lunch arrives as we continue to make small talk about inconsequential items such as the weather, this past winter and how cold, harsh it was, how much snow there was.  There are at least fifty questions on the tip of my tongue along with another at least ten ‘statements’ I would like to make but I hesitate and end up saying nothing.  I wonder how many nothings are on the tip of his tongue?  Are there any?

Finally, quietly, he asks about my daughter.  I offer few details other than the standard “she’s well”.. ”she’s doing really good”.  How old is she, he asks. Back to the eyes as I tell him she is now twenty-two.   I see something in them.  Actually, I see a lot of things there, the least of which is shock.  I offer to show him some pictures and scoot around to his side of the table.  I pull out my Droid and begin scrolling through my life.. my house, my dog, my timeshares, my daughter.. the renovations I am doing at the house, the slate walk way I put in last summer, my girlfriends and I on vacation, out dancing, my fiance and I at The Sea Watch having dinner…  When I am through he is clearly overwhelmed and I am feeling satisfied with this knowledge, knowing he missed all these things.  Ah ha, I finally have the upper hand!

As I return to my side of the table, he excuses himself to the rest room, he has to check his blood sugar.  What? He is also diabetic?  He leaves with his kit and I push around in my mind this past hour or so much as I have pushed the salad around my plate.

He returns to the table and says he does not have “one of those things” (referring to my phone), hell, he doesn’t even have a cell phone he tells me, so he has no photographs to show me but one.  One of those hands I studied so astutely earlier reaches around to his back pocket to pull out an old, battered leather wallet.  It’s practically falling apart I think to myself as he carefully opens it and turns it in my direction.

There, in the center portion is an old, tattered photograph.  Cautiously, painstakingly and silent,  he removes the photo and I am able to see it fully now.  I recognize the younger face of the man sitting across the table from me – with the younger, much, much younger, face of myself.  So much for that upper hand.   Back to the eyes…

Beth's Song

The skies are gray as I look out my window trying to tie a rope around some wayward thought that haunts my mind and begs to be put down on proverbial paper (in this day and age, it’s all on the computer).  The words come through and they call to me like an old childhood memory from somewhere in the back of my cluttered, yet relatively organized mind.

I heard a song Friday night that I had only heard a handful of times in my teens. It’s not a song that has ever been on the radio and I haven’t heard the song in 26 years. That’s right, 26 years; yet when I heard it, I knew every word as if I had heard it on the radio 1000 times.  10,000 times even.  Now this song is stuck in my head and it’s worse than that K-A-R-S Kars For Kids commercial in that I can’t get it out of there.  But who says I want to? Not me, not yet anyway.

Instead, I’m trying to pick that song apart. I’m listening (in my head and on the CD I was given) to every word; every emotion behind every lyric. I’m trying desperately to read between the lines and find something.. but what? I’m not sure I know so I put it aside as best I could and picked up my laptop because that’s what I do.. I write.  Most of the time I write for myself and I have a hidden little diary locked down tighter than Fort Knox where I still, like the girl I was when I first heard that song, write down every little crazy, nonsensical, exasperating, silly, serious, wonderful thought and feeling I’ve ever had.  (Don’t worry folks, I stopped using names a LONG time ago so that secret Lauren, about how we used to sit locked in my room singing along with my record player into the hairbrush is safe.. whoops.)

Along with that song came three others. So in this attempt of mine to make some sense of things, I listened to the other three.  Okay, so I listened to them more than once.  And then it hit me like like Huey Lewis’ “ five pound sledge”:  It didn’t have to make sense, I just need to understand -  whether I agree or disagree, whether I like the answers or not, whether I myself would have or wouldn’t have done the same or similar things; I just need to understand why and accept the present and look toward to the future. This whole situation isn’t entirely about right or wrong, black or white.  It’s about tough choices, struggles, and life situations I know nothing about – but would like to.  It’s about understanding the ‘why’ and then, (perhaps I should ask for a drum roll?) the tough part: accepting the answer.

Things have changed.

It’s human nature, in my humble opinion, to feel alone and that nobody else is going through what you are going through.. and even if they are, it’s ‘different’ somehow because it’s them not you and surely their situation is just a little bit different than your own – isn’t it?  We spend our lives working on ourselves, healing, changing, growing and becoming more enlightened as to the way the game of life is played only to find out there is always another inning, another quarter or period to be played, never mind how many of the players are switched in and out.  But then we find out that life isn’t a game at all and that all actions have reactions and all statements and decisions have consequences.  Some good, some bad, and some don’t fit into either category.  Dammit, there IS a gray area.  We help, we love, we care, we console, we "adjust, adapt and overcome" ( a wise woman and good friend told me that years ago).  We also hurt, we anger, we rationalize and defend and we create pain both for ourselves and others.  I have done all of these to/for others at some point in my life so I can’t expect that anyone else would be ‘perfect’ and not have done any of these things either now can I?  That’s where understanding and accepting the answers as sincere come in.

No one can change the past.  Peabody and Shermon had their “way back machine” and Doc and McFly had their “Flux Capacitor” but those things don’t really exist and we can’t change the past but we can change our futures if we are so inclined and willing to hear and do our best to understand.

There are always two sides to every story and the truth always lies somewhere in the middle of those two sides and perceptions.  Some things are forgivable and some are not and each of us has our own perception of where that line is drawn between the two sides; but unless we hear the other side of the story, we'll never know where in that middle the truth lies and if that line can't be moved, just a little bit.

“Ten long years ago..” has now become 36 years if you’re starting from when I was 6…  Who knows, maybe there will be a sequel?

Yes, things have changed.

Power Trip?

It really baffles me as to why people are so cruel to one another and just how easily some folks can get on a “power trip”. 

Not too long ago I read an essay in the Wall Street Journal discussing the "paradox of power," http://online.wsj.com/article_email/SB10001424052748704407804575425561952689390-lMyQjAxMTAwMDEwODExNDgyWj.html a syndrome that turns people in authority into dictators which got me thinking about the “power trips” people in my own life are on and its why I chose this topic to blog on today.

“Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely" (Lord Acton).  - This is not just a maxim, but reality.

People, Leaders and, ‘perceived’ leaders get into trouble by subconsciously thinking it they have no limits on their power.  Though most people wouldn’t say as much out loud, this thinking is all too often reinforced by others who subordinate themselves in order to gain favor with the person in power.  This is especially true in business but is also applicable in social situations.  It's all about power... 

Although most people almost always know the right thing to do (cheating/stealing is wrong etc..) sometimes people on a power trip believe that their power can rationalize away the ethical lapse.  For example, there was a study (The Paradox of Power in CSR:  A Case Study on Implementation Krista Bondy Cranfield School of Management,) (1) where psychologists asked their subjects (in both low and high power positions) how they would judge an individual who drove too fast when they were late for an appointment.  The people in the high power group consistently said it was worse when others did that than when they did that themselves.  The people in the high power positions, with their feeling of superiority led them to conclude that they had a good reason for speeding (they are important people, with important things to do) but that everyone else should follow the posted signs and obey the speed limit.

So what does this study tell us in terms of everyday life, work and social situations? Well, addressing the work situation, we all know or have worked with the person who consistently abuses their rights or position (usually a boss or manager) simply “because they can”; and then there’s the group of subordinates who consistently “yes” the boss to death, look to promote themselves and make sure the boss is aware of their co-workers’ short-comings, mistakes, oversights etc.  In other words, thet're so far up the bosses ass, if he/she took a quick left or right turn they’d break their nose.  

Addressing the social situation, there is always a person or group of people who seem to be in control (power) in all of our lives doesn’t there?  This person or this group of people, usually start to come into power because they are genuinely nice and well liked – in the beginning... They are “SO popular”!  As times goes on and people continue to like them, converse with them, socialize with them, some of these people or just one or two people from the group, will begin to overestimate their moral virtue, begin to feel as though they are more important than others thus leading to a feeling of superiority and the concept of their own supremacy.

The term “playing favorites” comes to mind in both of these situations (work and social).  People in positions of power tend to surround themselves with others who will allow them to continue to feel superior and back up their impressions, choices and actions and who produce a feedback that will continually reinforce their perceptions.  Their focus is solely focused on the center – and make no mistake, these people ARE their own center, they are concerned with dominating people and manipulating situations to increase their own prestige.  

The addiction for power and control over others distorts their version of the people, things and situations around them.  They feel there is only one ‘true’ and ‘right’ opinion and outlook, and it is theirs.  The feeling of power dramatically changes how individuals act, react and respond to information and others.  Because of this, the power tripper can’t analyze the strength of an opinion or debate that which differs from their own.  Those with authority focus on whether the opinion or argument confirms what they already believe.  If it doesn’t, the facts are conveniently ignored.  God help you if you cross this person, dare to disagree with their perception of anything, or offer an alternative way of thinking because they will make your life miserable (if you let them) and usually will stop at nothing to make sure you are ostracized from, at minimum, their world or group.  
 

The power tripper has built up a very warped picture of themselves and the world around them.  Their mind is such that whatever they believe is true, however they discern a situation or an individual, is absolute.  They become attuned to the actions of any person or situation that even remotely threatens their power addiction.

So how do we handle these power trippers and how do we stop ourselves from becoming one?  

“Let go of your attachment to being right and suddenly your mind is more open.  You’re able to benefit from the unique viewpoint of others without being crippled by your own judgment.” (Ralph Marston) 


Practicing that phrase in our own lives would be a place to start in my humble opinion.  We should all be aware that our own expectations, desires, demands – what’s going on in our own lives, dominate our perceptions of the world around us and that our perceptions change as our worlds change.  We do not have to control and manipulate others to be happy.  However, even well intentioned individuals, bosses, leaders, elected officials and the like fall victim to the allure of ‘power’.

We should learn to stay humble.  Surrounding ourselves with people who are not afraid to offer a different point of view or assert themselves even when it is contrary to our opinions, perceptions or ideas isn,t a bad idea.  Not falling into the trap of relying on the same people for advice and to tell us consistently we are right..  A good boss/leader/official and even a good friend needs – deserves to be challenged at least once in a while. Reasonable people WILL disagree, UNreasonable people (aka power trippers) will wield whatever authority they believe they have over you and try to “make you” see it their way. 

Staying off the power trip takes discipline and a lot of continuous self-relflection.

Personally, I don’t need the emotional toxicity that mean people tend to emit and people on power trips emit quite a bit of it.  So let’s 86 the bullshit and tell me what you think about “power trips”.  Are there any power trippers in your life?  Are you on a power trip yourself? Maybe you think I'm just full of shit?  Talk to me…

(1) example given is from original article.

86 The Bullshit: Power Trip?

86 The Bullshit: Power Trip?: "It really baffles me as to why people are so cruel to one another and just how easily some folks can get on a “power trip”. Not too l..."

Less to say when we agree

When we agree, apparently there's a lot less to say than when we disagree.
The web has turned writing into a bona fide conversation. Twenty years ago, writers wrote and readers read. The web now allows readers respond, and increasingly they do—in comment threads, on forums, social and professional networking sites and in their own blog posts such as this one.

Most newspapers, and news channels (CNN, MSNBC etc.), Facebook, Twitter, MyLife as well as countless other forums and discussion boards are on line and offer readers the opportunity to comment.  Many who respond to something in a forum either disagree with the forum (so why are they there in the first place?), someone else’s opinion/post/response or some particular within the forum.  I’d say that's to be expected. Agreeing tends to motivate people less than disagreeing.  When you agree, apparently there's a lot less to say than when you disagree.

The result is there's a lot more disagreeing going on. Does this mean that people are getting angrier or does it mean that the structural change in the way we communicate is simply expanding to the point that hidden behind the anonymity of a screen name or email account that we feel we can ‘let er rip’ so to speak? 

I wonder often what is driving the increase in disagreement and, is it troublesome to anyone besides me that this increase in disagreement seems to make people even angrier, particularly on line where it is so much easier to type things that you would never say face to face to a person? 

Is it a “what the hell” type of attitude way of thinking in that we “don’t even know this asshole” who is disagreeing with us so why not tell him/her how you really feel?  Why do we become so judgmental and condescending so quickly when posting in anonymous forum and why do we react so quickly to post our own comments? 

Is it any different on social networks like Facebook, MyLife, or the practically defunct MySpace?  I dare say it is.  On Facebook for instance, your ‘friends’ are people you actually know. Granted many of them are not people you run into or see on a regular basis however, there is a personal level of history with some, if not all of the folks in your friend list.  How many times have you read someone else’s post when there were misspellings and other grammatical errors? How many times have you read someone else’s post when you have completely disagreed with something?  HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN SHOUTED AT?  Do you mention these things to your ‘friend’ or the ‘friend of your friend’ or are you a little more hesitant because on Facebook you are NOT anonymous and open yourself up for a reply, possible criticism, misunderstanding or (drum roll please…) being dropped from the friend list and/or blocked?  Why do we agree to disagree in this forum and, for the most part, agree to disagree and move on when we don’t tend to do that with the cloak of anonymity that most other sites and forums offer?

I got to thinking about this and if we are all going to be disagreeing more, and it seems that we are, shouldn’t we be more careful and more courteous in how we do it?  Even if it is on line?  Shouldn’t there be some protocol that should be followed or acknowledged or should we all just get used to ranting, raving and criticism? 

Most readers, also now writers, can discern the difference between name-calling, the aficionado, soap-box, grand-standing, bullying type post and a carefully reasoned refutation. 

That being said, there are a lot of different ways we respond to others on line.  Starting with what I personally believe to be the lowest form of debate: Name Calling.  We’ve all seen comments such as “<screen name>, “You’re an asshole” or worse such as “<screen name>, you’re a slut/whore/fag/racial slur/religious insult” etc.  Really people?  This type of response carries very little weight in an actual debate do they not?  What is the purpose of calling someone a name?  Does it make you feel better or is it just because you can?

Moving along, another way we respond to others: Ad hominem.  Saying that an author of an article or post lacks the authority to write about a topic is an ad hominem and might actually carry some weight in that it might be relevant.

Let’s level up shall we?  How about responding to tone:  The author’s tone, a respondent’s tone, our own tone.  First off, tone is difficult to judge and how tone is assessed varies greatly.  So many misunderstandings and hurt feelings, instances of being offended or simply being confused could be avoided if we all assumed a little less that others should know when we are kidding, teasing, joking or being sarcastic. 

Next up is contradiction and hypocrisy.  (Wikopedia): Hypocrisy is the state of pretending to have beliefs, opinions, virtues, feelings, qualities, or standards that one does not actually have, or applying a criticism to others that one does not apply to oneself.  (Wikopedia): a contradiction consists of a logical incompatibility between two or more propositions. It occurs when the propositions, taken together, yield two conclusions which form the logical, usually opposite inversions of each other.  Here we finally get responses to what was said, rather than how or by whom in response to an argument by simply stating the opposing case with little or often times, no supporting evidence.  Yet depending on the forum and the level of anonymity, does so with hypocrisy because although the responder may not 'practice what they preach' they sure do still know how to preach it.

This brings me to counterargument.  Counterargument is contradiction plus reasoning AND/OR evidence.  When aimed squarely at the original argument, it can be convincing but unfortunately, it’s very common for counterarguments to be aimed at something slightly different.  More often than not, two or more people arguing passionately about something are actually arguing about two different things.  As a reader, I've often noticed that these same persons even agree with one another, but are so caught up in their squabble, they don’t even realize it. 

How about refutation?  The most convincing form of disagreement and also the rarest because it is by far the most work.  To refute someone you have to quote them, find that “smoking gun”, a passage in whatever you disagree with that you feel is mistaken and then explain why it is mistaken.  If you can’t find an actual quote to disagree with, you are arguing with the straw man now aren’t you?  Oh, but the proverbial straw man is also an ad hominem. 

And here’s another thought:  while refutation generally entails quoting, quoting doesn’t necessarily imply refutation.  Some respondents quote parts of things they disagree with to give the appearance of legitimate refutation, only to follow with name calling and an argumentative tone without explaining why or offering any facts, just their opinion.  

So is it our opinions only that we are concerned with?  Is it about how we, you or I in particular, view the subject?

Hmm..  I guess that when we agree, there is a lot less to say than when we disagree wouldn’t you agree?  86 the bullshit and tell me what you think.  Talk to me…