The skies are gray as I look out my window trying to tie a rope around some wayward thought that haunts my mind and begs to be put down on proverbial paper (in this day and age, it’s all on the computer). The words come through and they call to me like an old childhood memory from somewhere in the back of my cluttered, yet relatively organized mind.
I heard a song Friday night that I had only heard a handful of times in my teens. It’s not a song that has ever been on the radio and I haven’t heard the song in 26 years. That’s right, 26 years; yet when I heard it, I knew every word as if I had heard it on the radio 1000 times. 10,000 times even. Now this song is stuck in my head and it’s worse than that K-A-R-S Kars For Kids commercial in that I can’t get it out of there. But who says I want to? Not me, not yet anyway.
Instead, I’m trying to pick that song apart. I’m listening (in my head and on the CD I was given) to every word; every emotion behind every lyric. I’m trying desperately to read between the lines and find something.. but what? I’m not sure I know so I put it aside as best I could and picked up my laptop because that’s what I do.. I write. Most of the time I write for myself and I have a hidden little diary locked down tighter than Fort Knox where I still, like the girl I was when I first heard that song, write down every little crazy, nonsensical, exasperating, silly, serious, wonderful thought and feeling I’ve ever had. (Don’t worry folks, I stopped using names a LONG time ago so that secret Lauren, about how we used to sit locked in my room singing along with my record player into the hairbrush is safe.. whoops.)
Along with that song came three others. So in this attempt of mine to make some sense of things, I listened to the other three. Okay, so I listened to them more than once. And then it hit me like like Huey Lewis’ “ five pound sledge”: It didn’t have to make sense, I just need to understand - whether I agree or disagree, whether I like the answers or not, whether I myself would have or wouldn’t have done the same or similar things; I just need to understand why and accept the present and look toward to the future. This whole situation isn’t entirely about right or wrong, black or white. It’s about tough choices, struggles, and life situations I know nothing about – but would like to. It’s about understanding the ‘why’ and then, (perhaps I should ask for a drum roll?) the tough part: accepting the answer.
Things have changed.
It’s human nature, in my humble opinion, to feel alone and that nobody else is going through what you are going through.. and even if they are, it’s ‘different’ somehow because it’s them not you and surely their situation is just a little bit different than your own – isn’t it? We spend our lives working on ourselves, healing, changing, growing and becoming more enlightened as to the way the game of life is played only to find out there is always another inning, another quarter or period to be played, never mind how many of the players are switched in and out. But then we find out that life isn’t a game at all and that all actions have reactions and all statements and decisions have consequences. Some good, some bad, and some don’t fit into either category. Dammit, there IS a gray area. We help, we love, we care, we console, we "adjust, adapt and overcome" ( a wise woman and good friend told me that years ago). We also hurt, we anger, we rationalize and defend and we create pain both for ourselves and others. I have done all of these to/for others at some point in my life so I can’t expect that anyone else would be ‘perfect’ and not have done any of these things either now can I? That’s where understanding and accepting the answers as sincere come in.
No one can change the past. Peabody and Shermon had their “way back machine” and Doc and McFly had their “Flux Capacitor” but those things don’t really exist and we can’t change the past but we can change our futures if we are so inclined and willing to hear and do our best to understand.
There are always two sides to every story and the truth always lies somewhere in the middle of those two sides and perceptions. Some things are forgivable and some are not and each of us has our own perception of where that line is drawn between the two sides; but unless we hear the other side of the story, we'll never know where in that middle the truth lies and if that line can't be moved, just a little bit.
“Ten long years ago..” has now become 36 years if you’re starting from when I was 6… Who knows, maybe there will be a sequel?
Yes, things have changed.
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