“Once Upon A Time”.. Don’t all great stories begin with that phrase? You just know the minute you hear or read that, the story also ends with “Happily Ever After”. Don’t you?
We grew up with story books and movies showing us that once you got to the wedding day, the story always ended with “and they all lived happily ever after.” The princess is always loved and adored by the prince and vice-versa, the guy always gets the girl in the end, the ‘bad guy’ always gets his just deserts and the heroes are always recognized and rewarded. This is real life. Unless you are Kate Middleton, you will not marry the prince and unless you live in “Fairy Tale Land” or are watching the LifeTime Movie of the Week, it’s just not the way it works. The truth is, “Happily Ever After” is actually very rare and not a very realistic expectation without work. It's not automatic just because you love someone and they love you.
How many of us stood at the alter reciting our wedding vows just knowing that we would live our "Happily Ever After?" For some of us (maybe most of us?), we also stood there knowing we would not be like our parents and other couples we know who’s marriages, for one reason or another did not work. We “would not get divorced!” When our marriages do not turn out quite like “Happily Ever After”, we have feelings of failure, guilt and tell ourselves either we are flawed or more often, that our partners were flawed and did not try hard enough, did not give us what we need.
I have seen true “Happily Ever After” in only two couples I know. Both couples are very similar and yet quite different from their respective spouses. Both couples are in their 60’s and both women are strong, independent and have charming personalities. Neither woman is would I would consider weak, docile or submissive by any stretch of the imagination; they both speak their minds openly and honestly but always with tact and diplomacy. Their husbands are both intelligent, equally charming, peace-loving gentle souls. Both of these men can see the humor in any situation, are successful and they have no air of arrogance about themselves. None of these four individuals seem needy, codependent, addicted to anything except perhaps their prospective spouses (in a good way) or abusive to each other in any way. From what I can see, they completely support one another and always ‘have each others back’. Both couples after 30 plus years of marriage will still tell you if you ask them, that they are madly in love with one another and still physically attracted to each other. So yes, it does and can happen – but I dare say it’s incredibly rare.
Why doesn’t it happen like this for the rest of us? The painful truth is that most of us are not as mentally healthy and emotionally stable as the two couples I just described. Regardless of whether our own parents/guardians role-modeled ‘happily ever after’ to us, we cannot blame them for our own marriages and relationships now can we? We all want to feel and be important. I can’t be important however to my significant other unless I make him feel important too. I can’t feel supported by my significant other unless I support him as well. I can’t feel love unless I give love. I can’t expect to be listened and comforted unless I also listen and comfort him as well. Do you see where I’m going with this? Personally, I believe that marriage/relationships are not a 50-50 partnership as so many people say; it’s 100-100. We can’t give half of what we are while our significant other gives half of what they are. Both have to give and accept all – 100%. For most, that is too much.
We also have to realize that real life happiness is different than happiness in movies and fairy tales although entertaining and uplifting as they may be. There are no golden sunsets, castles in the clouds or fairy godmothers – just you and your significant other and the life the two of you choose to build together.
So why then do so many of us think that if we find Mr. or Miss Right that we will be so happy; that we will feel so much unconditional love that we will just morph into better versions of ourselves? That Mr. or Miss Right will morph into exactly what we want? Why is it that we have to change who we are or change our significant other to be happy? If we have to change them, then are they really Mr. or Miss Right to begin with? Why do we stand at the alter reciting our vows believing that just by saying those words that it automatically creates “Happily Ever After?” While we should never have to work at finding the love between us, we do need to work at finding time for one another, we do need to support one another and we do need to be there for one another.
For the record, I can’t stand fairy tales or love stories, the typical “chick flicks”, they are just too 'rosy' for me and I lost my glasses a long time ago. Give me action, adventure, mystery, intrigue, or a psychological thriller any day. Maybe happily ever after isn’t so much a myth but a distortion because I’m certainly happy in my relationship, but it’s not a there’s-never-any-problem-everything’s-always-perfect-and-wonderful kind of happy. In my opinion, no relationship is. Every couple has their ups and downs, disagreements and one or both at one time or another will be hurt or offended by the other. It’s how you handle it, because of the love you have for one another, because your interest in the end lies in wanting that other person to be happy, that makes the difference.
My significant other is divorced and so am I so I am not blogging this to offer advice or tell anyone how their relationship should work. I’m merely expressing my own thoughts which may or may not differ from your own. Feel free to 86 the bullshit and tell me what you think.
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